


unworthy.

by halforcboy



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion, Rebuild of Evangelion | Evangelion: New Theatrical Edition
Genre: Character Study, Emotional Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-17 23:34:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29973978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/halforcboy/pseuds/halforcboy
Summary: Shinji Ikari deals with grief like any human. Imperfectly, and with great pain. Post Evangelion 3.0.
Relationships: Ayanami Rei & Ikari Shinji, Ikari Shinji/Nagisa Kaworu
Kudos: 12





	unworthy.

**Author's Note:**

> hey! this is the first fic i've written in a few years, so i thought i'd give a heads up, LOL.

_I love you._

The words hung heavy in Shinji’s throat as he lay in the capsule, his entire world shattered around him. The world may have ended some time ago, but Shinji’s had begun and ended in less than a lifetime. So he’s laying there, in the capsule ejected from his EVA. 

Their EVA.

They shared it. It was supposed to be the two of them. Shinji was supposed to be allowed to be happy, for once in his fucking life, things were going to be okay. Not everything was supposed to hurt, just this _one single time_. But he wasn’t allowed that, of course. Not Shinji. He only deserves pain and loneliness. Every good thing he is graciously allowed is ripped from his hands, as if maybe he is the monster he feels he is. As if perhaps, every joy is just the beginnings of another punishment, in the form of losing it.

First was Rei. She was cold at first, but cold had become warmth, and Shinji had found a genuine friend. Maybe even something more, if they had been given the time. Time, though, did not belong to them. As soon as he had become close to her, he had lost her. He had lost everything, and then he had tried, desperately, to take her back, to save her, when everything felt hopeless. And he thought he had, reaching out and taking her hand. He had saved her, and he was holding her in his arms. It was going to be okay. 

But then, he had found, she was not the same. He had lost her, and she was replaced with something else. Something that looked like her, but wasn’t like her at all. She was cold, and instead of warmth growing with time, he simply felt her freezing gaze. Shinji found himself alone, without the friend he had sacrificed everything, even his own life, to save.

Then came Kaworu. And Kaworu… he was… He was everything. He was charming, and kind. Immediately, Shinji had fallen for him. They played piano together. They spent time together, growing close. Closer than Shinji had ever been with anyone, ever, in his life. For once, genuinely, in his life, Shinji felt loved. He felt warm, and safe. With Kaworu there, no one could truly hurt him. They could spend the days staring at the sky. They could laugh. Shinji could hold his hand, and feel Kaworu’s warmth healing his fragile heart. But love does not last. Not for Shinji.

He screamed, begging a god that either does not love him or does not exist, not to take Kaworu away from him. No one listened, of course. Because, of course, Shinji is unlovable. When an unlovable person is given love, it is taken away. Shinji could only watch as Kaworu died in front of him, separated by a wall that kept his warmth away. 

Shinji Ikari lays there, in his capsule. Perhaps someone will open it, and save him. Maybe it will be Asuka, or his father. Maybe the Rei who has forgotten their friendship. Shinji doesn’t care, though, because all he wants is to feel Kaworu’s warmth. The Rei he lost. He wants warmth, but he is an unlovable person, morally bankrupt. Unworthy of kindness. But even so… Shinji wants to feel loved. He wants to feel protected and safe. His eyes close, and he hugs his own body tight. And he imagines what it might be like if Kaworu and Rei were there, to hold him, to protect him from the world outside of this capsule.

Maybe someday, he’ll feel that way, truly, once again.


End file.
